How to write a bestselling novel

March 9th, 2005

I just finished reading two novels by Dan Brown: 1) The DaVinci Code, and its prequel 2) Angels & Demons. And this is what I learned from these books:

This is how to write a best selling novel:
Step 1: create a main character that is a cross between Bruce Willis in Die Hard, and Doogie Howser. And don't tell me you don't know who Doogie Howser is...I'm not that old (if you seriously don't know... *cough*Watch More TV*cough* just google him).
Step 2: create a damsel in distress. She has to be smarter, braver and more skilled than the main character, but then when the moment of truth comes she has to revert back to female stereotypes and cry out, "Oh Robert save me! I'm suddenly out of character and can't seem to distinguish between a bottle and a monkey. Save me!"
Step 3: Create a mind-boggling crime that only the main character has the info to solve. But here's the catch...he has to not want to solve the case. He never goes looking for adventure...adventure comes looking for him.
Step 4: Create a bad guy who kills a bunch of people for no apparent reason. The word "motive" does not apply here.
Step 5: Every so often put in a paragraph filled with technical jargon, whether it makes sense or not. Nobody will understand it, therefore they'll think you're smarter than them. Maybe they'll even think you're a genius!
Step 6: The world revolves around Rome.
Step 7: At the end of each chapter, this should be your last sentence: "And then the most shocking thing happened". Then reveal the "most shocking thing" (which really doesn't have to be all that shocking) in the last page of the book.
Step 8: Find the character that has absolutely no ties with the problem and who has barely even said one word during the entire story...and make him the criminal mastermind. It's all about making the reader feel stupid.
Step 9: Guy and girl realize they are soulmates and live happily ever after...for about two weeks. The sequel must have a new girl.

So that's it. What are you waiting for? START WRITING! Okay, so if you use this formula you'll get a book so full of cliches , so unpredictable that it becomes predictable, so completely cheesey... But hey, it worked for Dan Brown.

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