It was the worst of food, it was the best of food...

April 7th, 2006

How much should you tip a Chinese delivery guy? How much should you tip a Chinese delivery guy if the food is delivered over an hour late? Have you ever been so hungry that you start eating spoonfuls of peanut butter? So hungry that your stomach has given up on grumbling and has moved on to putting in a transfer to another body? So hungry that you start thinking of clever methods of trapping wild jackrabbits out in the desert?

I was that hungry three days ago. And I did what any normal human being might do when faced with hunger fever. I called for a Chinese Food Delivery while I was driving home so that I’d have the food shortly after I got home (minimal waiting time, you see?). I got home, and ate a spoonful of peanut butter…only one because I wanted to stay hungry so that the Chinese food would taste like the GREATEST CHINESE FOOD EVER DELIVERED IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE AND BEYOND!!! But the minutes ticked away, and still no Chinese Food.

I was on the verge of screaming like a heroin addict on their 3rd day of rehabilitation (not that I would know about that), when the doorbell finally rang and a short, older Asian guy handed me a box of cold food. I didn’t say anything. In fact, I was as polite as usual, although inside I wanted to yell out “God Damn It! IT’S ABOUT FREAKING TIME!!!” Then, the time finally came to scribble in the tip on the receipt (I paid with credit card). I tipped $1. I felt I was being generous. I was angry and bitter. A 10% tip is really not so bad. I was actually proud of myself for tipping over…oh…I don’t know…NEGATIVE ONE BILLION DOLLARS!!!!...at least in the current state I was in. But the guy fished around in his pocket for reading glasses…and started looking at the receipt I had just handed to him. Was he actually checking to see how much tip I had given him…in front of me? The verdict…yes, he was. Then he said in an outraged tone, “One Dollah?!?!?” Oh man, that got me mad. I spit out between clenched teeth, “Yesss……it’s been an hour and twenty minutes!!!!” He gave me a look of disgust, and jerked away from the door…and stormed back to his car (which, I might add, was a Lexus SUV).

Then I ate my Chinese Food. The vegetables were cold and hard. Yet, somehow, they were THE GREATEST VEGETABLES EVER EATEN IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE AND BEYOND!!!