Thursday, June 01, 2006

The Adventures of Spleen Man, conclusion

Day 7

The day after my blood count stabilized (that is...once it remained at 25% and stopped dropping), they said I could finally have some food in my stomach. If I had only known what they meant by "food" I wouldn't have been as excited as I was. I was placed on an "only clear liquids" diet. This was the menu for my first official meal at the hospital.

  • 1 Cranberry Juice (did I mention I hate the taste of Cranberry?)
  • 1 Cranberry Jello (see above)
  • 1 Chicken Broth (actually...it was warm water that came with a little packet containing chicken flavoring)
  • 1 Iced Tea (with no sugar)
This was my dinner. I ate (or should I say, drank) half of it only because I hadn't had anything in my stomach for 3 days! At least I was still in the "Ritz Hotel" area of the hospital, where I got treated like some old Arabian Sultan. All I was missing where slaves feeding me grapes and fanning me with huge peacock feathers.

I was being spoiled, and I started to enjoy it. And so it was only fitting that the day came when I was knocked down from my high horse and sent to the ghetto part of the hospital.

"Well, Gus, it looks like you're out of immediate danger. We're gonna get you out of the SICU (Surgical Intensive Care Unit), and move you over to THE MOST GHETTO AREA IN THE HOSPITAL" (she didn't actually say that, but I forgot what she said...and it might as well have been that).

My first night in the ____________ was interrupted by the nurse bursting (seriously...she didn't walk in...she "burst") into my room and basically yelling at me to get up and walk three laps around the hallways.

"Now?" I was lying on my side, watching a basketball game.

"Now!!! Let's go!"

Holy crap! This wasn't a hospital...this was Gym Class all over again. So I forced myself to get up and very slowly made my way around the hallways. I wasn't the only one. There were 5 or 6 patients (all grumpy, apparently, from being so rudely forced to get out of their beds) who were present in the hallways, contributing to a very eerie scene. Since no one could walk very well, the scene consisted of people in medical garbs walking very slowly, very stiffly, with their eyes staring at the ground in concentration, and with painful expressions on their faces. It was the night of the living dead. Zombies! And I was one of them!

It was good that they made us walk. Lying on a bed non-stop will eventually cause blood clots...which is why I was getting one more shot on the arm every day (which brought the total of shots given to me each day to A BILLION TRILLION GAZILLION!!!). It was true that walking around made me feel better. However, it was also true that the nurses in the ___________ were THE DEVIL!!!

Anyway...today I'm leaving the hospital with my parents, who came all the way from Texas. I'm sorry they had to waste money and take time off from their lives because of me...but I'm glad they came. My blood count is up to 30%...yes!!! The Suns are still in the playoffs...yes!!! Everything is good with the world.

My orders?
  • 6 full weeks of absolutely no exercise whatsoever. I'm supposed to be a couch potato for a month and a half. That's not easy for me to do.
  • 3-6 months of no contact sports. Running is okay...that's all I care about.
  • No snowboarding for a year. Duh!
  • Eat lots of meat. I like meat.
THE END (of a very long week)

7 Comments:

Blogger wind-up-bird said...

holy mackerel. get better soon and enjoy that spleen.... seriously, your blog is hilarious. love it :D

9:23 AM  
Blogger Oob said...

Blech... hate cranberry too. Unless it has a generous dose of Grey Goose or Ketel One.

7:40 AM  
Blogger DQ said...

hehe...Gus likes meat.

12:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Since rupturing your spleen generated a very amusing 3 posts (3 posts?? I would have milked it for at least 10...and donations), here are some other internal organs I think you should injure to enjoy the SICU again.

Pancreas - What does it do? I don't know. Injure and I'll research it and find out. Plus it allows you to go around saying "Ow, my pancreas!"

That's it. My brain can only hold very short lists.

2:39 PM  
Blogger wind-up-bird said...

Maybe add to that...appendix? And who really needs two lungs? I mean, come on. If An Inconvenient Truth has taught me nothing, it's that we're all breathing in too much precious, precious oxygen.

3:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, we need two lungs to power our two nostrils. And as everyone knows, one nostril does not provide adequate nose picking satisfaction.

I agree with that appendix though. Goose, rupture your appendix. Tell us what it does not do when they take it out of you.

10:22 PM  
Blogger Julia said...

Gus! How are you now? What exactly happened? How long are you off of playing? This whole thing sucks! Daryl had appendicitis 2 summers ago and that was hell in itself. I'd never seen someone get so sick and depleted before. I know you're feeling like you've been through hell (and rightly so). I'm sending you get well vibes and I hope you get back on your feet soon! (facebook message me...)

7:56 PM  

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