The Adventures of Spleen Man, conclusion

Day 7

The day after my blood count stabilized (that is...once it remained at 25% and stopped dropping), they said I could finally have some food in my stomach. If I had only known what they meant by "food" I wouldn't have been as excited as I was. I was placed on an "only clear liquids" diet. This was the menu for my first official meal at the hospital.

• 1 Cranberry Juice (did I mention I hate the taste of Cranberry?)
• 1 Cranberry Jello (see above)
• 1 Chicken Broth (actually...it was warm water that came with a little packet containing chicken flavoring)
• 1 Iced Tea (with no sugar)

This was my dinner. I ate (or should I say, drank) half of it only because I hadn't had anything in my stomach for 3 days! At least I was still in the "Ritz Hotel" area of the hospital, where I got treated like some old Arabian Sultan. All I was missing where slaves feeding me grapes and fanning me with huge peacock feathers.

I was being spoiled, and I started to enjoy it. And so it was only fitting that the day came when I was knocked down from my high horse and sent to the ghetto part of the hospital.

"Well, Gus, it looks like you're out of immediate danger. We're gonna get you out of the SICU (Surgical Intensive Care Unit), and move you over to THE MOST GHETTO AREA IN THE HOSPITAL" (she didn't actually say that, but I forgot what she said...and it might as well have been that).

My first night in the ____________ was interrupted by the nurse bursting (seriously...she didn't walk in...she "burst") into my room and basically yelling at me to get up and walk three laps around the hallways.

"Now?" I was lying on my side, watching a basketball game.

"Now!!! Let's go!"

Holy crap! This wasn't a hospital...this was Gym Class all over again. So I forced myself to get up and very slowly made my way around the hallways. I wasn't the only one. There were 5 or 6 patients (all grumpy, apparently, from being so rudely forced to get out of their beds) who were present in the hallways, contributing to a very eerie scene. Since no one could walk very well, the scene consisted of people in medical garbs walking very slowly, very stiffly, with their eyes staring at the ground in concentration, and with painful expressions on their faces. It was the night of the living dead. Zombies! And I was one of them!

It was good that they made us walk. Lying on a bed non-stop will eventually cause blood clots...which is why I was getting one more shot on the arm every day (which brought the total of shots given to me each day to A BILLION TRILLION GAZILLION!!!). It was true that walking around made me feel better. However, it was also true that the nurses in the ___________ were THE DEVIL!!!

Anyway...today I'm leaving the hospital with my parents, who came all the way from Texas. I'm sorry they had to waste money and take time off from their lives because of me...but I'm glad they came. My blood count is up to 30%...yes!!! The Suns are still in the playoffs...yes!!! Everything is good with the world.

My orders?

• 6 full weeks of absolutely no exercise whatsoever. I'm supposed to be a couch potato for a month and a half. That's not easy for me to do.
  
• 3-6 months of no contact sports. Running is okay...that's all I care about.
• No snowboarding for a year. Duh!
• Eat lots of meat. I like meat.

THE END (of a very long week)