Monday, December 11, 2006

My brother poses a few questions...

December 11th, 2006

If you haven't visited my brother's blog, you should. He is a funny man, and I'm not just talking about his face. My brother's blog:

Anyway, in his latest entry he asks me several questions concerning concert attendance etiquette. Here is the excerpt from his blog:

...and Gus, you would be so proud of me, I can hear and distinguish the french horns! So now some questions:

Why does the conductor leave, and then come back? We have to clap when he leaves, and clap again when he comes back. Does he need a potty break? Is it an ego thing?

Why can’t we clap after the end of every song? Are we supposed to clap after a song that contains mainly a solo performance?

Is a violin player considered better if he doesn’t sway and make faces while playing?

Where can I get a harp and/or harp lessons?

Speaking of harps, the conductor had this gem when introducing the harp. "...And here is an instrument that we all aspire to play someday….maybe not in this world..." Are composers now moonlighting as comedians?

I responded in this way, and posted it on this blog in case some of you non-existing readers out there have similar queries:

Answers. Answers to your questions.

1) Conductors are generally pretty old, so their prostate is commonly swollen. This causes conductors to have a hard time peeing...and they have to go try to pee often. So yes, it is true: conductors leave after each piece to go tinkle. We applaude as they leave the stage in order to encourage them and pump them up for their task, and we applaude when they come back as if to say, "Job Well Done, Sir!" Of course, if it's a female conductor, they leave to make a phone call.

2) When concert goers arrive at concerts, they are usually pretty tired from a long day in their unfortunate non-musician lives. Not clapping after every movement is a courtesy to those who fall asleep. How would you like to be woken up every 10 minutes? You'd be much happier if you could sleep for 30 to 45 minutes without being woken up by a bunch of wild people hitting their hands together like apes.

3) When a violin player sways and makes faces, it is because they are possessed. A concert is a type of modernized demon exorcism. Next time you go to a concert, watch for the "full head swivel" which signifies a very successful exorcism.

4a) It's easy to find a harp teacher. Open up your local newspaper and turn it to the obituaries section. Find one that reads, "...died of unknown and mysterious causes." Then contact their family. They should be able to set you up with a seance appointment. Be sure to buy yourself a $3.00 harp on Ebay. They're the best!

b) Actually, it's the other way around. Comedians are moonlighting as composers because THEY don't get paid enough.

Hope that helps!


Anonymous gaby said...

just one more question...
do the conductors wash their hands? if not, why are we applauding? My mom clapped when I did wash my hands!!

4:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha! Brilliant!

5:41 PM  

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