The Snooze Button is THE DEVIL

April 14th, 2005

Somebody recently said to me, "The snooze button is the greatest invention of all time." I'm gonna have to go ahead and disagree with this statement. Although I use it frequently, this so called "miracle button" has done absolutely nothing to improve my life or my happiness. In fact, I could go as far as to say it has had a downright negative effect on my productivity as a human being.

The problem is that the snooze button only lets you sleep for exactly 9 minutes, before rudely pulling you out of that blissful sleep. Apparently, some "genius" decided to make the snooze last for 9 minutes instead of 10, that way you'll gain 1 minute everytime you decide to use it. Another problem is that in the immediate few seconds after waking up, we are the dumbest version of ourselves. So we always think, "Oh, I can get a few more minutes of sleep. Even though last night I set my alarm for the latest time possible while still being able to get ready for the day, I think I have a better grasp of the situation now". So we waste a few more minutes in unsatisfied sleep until we wake up with a start and realize we have to be somewhere in 20 minutes...but it'll take us 40 minutes to get there. And why do I say "unsatisfied sleep"? Because, frankly, 9 minutes of sleep does absolutely nothing for me. After 9 minutes, it seems like you're doing the exact same thing...moaning, cursing, and wishing for "10 more minutes of sleep".

So I wanted to find someone to blame for the hundreds of hours I've wasted of my life due to this device. I did a little research (okay...not really research...just googled a few times), and I found the culprit, the hated denizen who invented the snooze button. His name is Lew Wallace, and apparently he also wrote "Ben-Hur". Am I serious? Yes. I'm serious. That is what the internet said, and as we all know: "the internet never lies". So if you're ever having a conversation and the topic of "Ben-Hur" pops up, you should say, "I spitttt on theeee ye Snooze Inventing Mongrrrel".

I'm not saying a snooze button is a bad idea...the bad idea is the short time it lasts. I want a snooze button that lasts for 2 hours and calls in sick for me. Hmm, maybe that's how I'll get my millions of dollars. I'll have to look into it.