Sunday, May 29, 2005

WASPS: the bullies of the insect world

May 29th, 2005

Why am I scared to death of WASPS?

Picture this: You're walking down a beautiful green forest, enjoying the smell of the pines, the coolness of the breeze on your skin, the wild sounds of nature... Only one thing is keeping this moment from being among the most calming and relaxing moments of your life. It's this damn FLY that keeps buzzing by your ear. IT zips once by your ear...

"BZZZZZZZZZZZZZT"

You swat with your hand...but only succeed in boxing your ear. It hurts. You think maybe you scared IT away...this bastard INSECT that has ruined your moment of perfect serenity...but a moment later you hear IT again, and this time IT seems to go right into your ear!

"BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT."

Again, your hand automatically goes for your ear and attempts to swat the THING away. But this FLY is a ghost, a phantom, an apparition...perhaps even a figment of your wandering imagination. However, you now focus your mind solely on this problem, and your hand is ready as the third

"BZZZZZZZZZZZT"

happens. Your reaction is quicker than you expected. Like a deadly gunslinger drawing his gun from its holster, your hand rises and...makes contact!!! But instantly your mind tells you that something is not right. Your hand made contact with something that either was a fly on steroids, or was not a fly at all. The next few seconds are in slow motion. Your head turns to see what kind of devilish THING you've just made angry. The corner of your eye catches SOMETHING obviously bigger than a fly...something black...with a hint of yellow...

and IT is flying straight at your face!

Your legs begin moving forward, but you're in slow motion...you're no match for a BEING who lives life in fast forward. As your head starts to turn back to the direction your legs are running, you know you're only postponing the inevitable. The sting comes in the middle of your yell...

"SHIIIIIII--OWWWWW!!!!!"

Okay, back to normal speed. Oh, the pain! Your fists clench, your teeth gnash, your feet stamp. But what can you do? Nothing. Just take it like a man. But you're not a man...you're only 12 years old. You're not just a boy. You're a young boy. The tears start to well up in your eyes, but you fight them back. Somebody at some point told you "Tough Boys Don't Cry". This thought is embedded in you now, and has been in you since you could walk. But you almost abandon it...all because of one INSECT, barely even the size of a peanut.

In the end, your mom puts baking soda on the large, raw-red bump on your neck. It doesn't help...it still burns. But the potential for tears is gone. Now you're just furious. Furious that the heinous CULPRIT is still out there, bullying other creatures that are only out enjoying life. A bee dies after it stings you. A WASP just laughs at your pain. Why couldn't it be the other way around?

I hate WASPS.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

The Magic 8-Ball Tells No Lies

May 18th, 2005

It is time to find the truth. I will now ask all my questions to the wisest being in the universe: MY MINIATURE MAGIC 8-BALL.

Gus: Do Brussell Sprouts really come from Hell?
Magic 8-Ball: Rely on it. (I figured as much)

Gus: Does my brother run faster than me?
Magic 8-Ball: Ask Later. (errr...okay)

Gus: Does my brother run faster than me?
Magic 8-Ball: I say Yes. (I say No)

Gus: Does my brother run faster than me?
Magic 8-Ball: Doubt It. (better)

Gus: Will I ever buy my own Island which includes a castle?
Magic 8-Ball: I say Yes. (good news)

Gus: Will I have a great time at my new Condo?
Magic 8-Ball: Rely on it. (that's just common sense)

Gus: How many fingers am I holding up?
Magic 8-Ball: Sorry No. (How did it know!?!?!)

Gus: Will I live to see a colonization of an alien planet?
Magic 8-Ball: Looks Good. (...)

Gus: Will the Phoenix Suns win the NBA Finals?
Magic 8-Ball: Sorry No. (Magic 8-Ball, you're full of crap)

Gus: Is there a better Ice Cream Flavor than Dulce de Leche?
Magic 8-Ball: Rely On It (Gasp!)

Gus: Magic 8-Ball, are you full of crap?
Magic 8-Ball: No Doubt. (No Doubt)

Hmmm...these revelations leave me with a lot to think about.


"Hello, I'm Gus' Magic 8-Ball. Look upon me and DESPAIR!!!" Posted by Hello

Saturday, May 14, 2005

All-American Picture Frenzy, Old Lady Drivers, and the Rogue Turtle

May 14th, 2005

My good friend Shona is going back to Scotland very soon. We're all going to miss her very much, and hope that she doesn't forget about us lowly peasants. She taught me quite a bit about speaking Scottish. What, you don't think there's a scottish language? Of course there is...examples: Hah-rree Pot-eh (Harry Potter), Scuh-tish (Scottish), Trousers (Pants), Mah-ee Mah-eend (My Mind). The list goes on. Next year I'm supposed to take one of the three major research foreign languages (Italian, French, or German), and I was sad that Scottish...excuse me, "Scuh-tish"...was not there. I may have to start a petition in order to get this on the list.

Speaking of phonetics, while I was GRADUATING two days ago, they gave us a card and told us to spell out our name phonetically on it. I can see how it could be useful for names like Xianjindao Quezaltepeque. But I think my name is pretty straight forward, unless someone's been living under a cow-boot and has never heard Spanish before. So anyway, this is how I spelled it, "Goose-Tah-Boh Kah-Mah-Tchoh". When I went on the stage and the name-calling-guy read my card, his face scrunched up and he gave me a weird look. But then he said it fine, which means he probably ignored my phonetic spelling. Good man!

And speaking of Shona leaving to Scotland and of GRADUATING, I was able to take a picture of my graduation thanks to the brand new digital camera (new to me, anyway) that Shona gave me. She said she already had a better one. I'm excited because this is the first time I've ever owned a camera, much less a digital one where I can take as many pictures as I want because I won't be wasting film. So I went on a picture taking frenzy for the past two days, and I've realized one thing: I'm a terrible photographer. But some came out okay.

you may now call me "MASTER" Posted by Hello

Right now I'm living pretty good at a nice, large house in a pretty and quiet neighborhood. But it's too far from ASU, and I'm tired of having to wake up 30 minutes before the rest of the world just so I can get parking in the morning. Plus, I hate fighting morning traffic and get really frustrated at red lights. Being at a red light is the biggest waste of time in the world. Really, all you do at a red light is stare into space and think one thought: "green...green...green...come on!...green...green...green...YES!". I've recently started keeping my harmonica in my car and playing it at red lights. Apparently playing a harmonica at a red light is not considered "the norm" in the social structure of today's world. People look at me funny, but I just stare at them and play louder. Anyway, I've decided to move closer to the university with my friend Ian (cool and crazy bassoon player). We found the greatest place to live...a super nice condo only 2 minutes away from ASU. And since now I have a camera to play around with, I took a picture so that everyone who reads this blog can be jealous of my future life in luxury.

My New Condo for Next Year Posted by Hello

As I was walking out the front door of my house to do a gig, I happened to glance down at the floor, and was completely surprised to find myself on the verge of stepping on a huge turtle! It was a deep green, about the size of a football. Apparently it had crawled to the house from the lake across the road. I can just imagine such a cool story about this turtle: The Rogue Turtle who didn't fit into the slow routine of normal daily turtle life. So it decided to take matters into its own [paws?] and left the safe haven of Lake Dobson to find adventure and travel the world (in this case, my neighborhood). I guess my part of the story is when it meets and befriends a savage giant living in a cave. I really wanted to take a picture of him/her/it, but didn't have time just then. I waited till I came back from my gig ($200 richer), but by that time it had moved on to bigger and more dangerous adventures. So to the Rogue Turtle, I bid you well and good luck finding what you're looking for.

I used to say that one of my pet peeves was old lady drivers. Those who can barely see above the steering wheel, and whose eyesight is so bad that they have to tilt their heads back and squint all the time. But today I was driving and stopped at a red light right next to one of these old lady drivers. True, she was slow and turned on her right blinker before turning left and cut off some guy behind her. But at the red light she looked so cute...I had to take a picture. And before you ask (or after, in Shona's case), she's not flipping someone off...she's just shading her eyes from the sun.

Old Lady Driving Next to Me Posted by Hello

Friday, May 06, 2005

The Justice Brothers

May 6th, 2005

Finally, the blog entry everyone's been waiting for. The true story and origin of...The Justice Brothers.

The year was 1989, and the day was painfully hot. Walking home through the barren desert every day after school was NOT Gus and Jerry's idea of fun. But the school had sent a note home to their parents a few weeks ago which stated that "English tutoring after school would be beneficial to their grades". They understood that it was probably true. They were starting their second year in the United States, and their English was somewhere between poor and ultra poor.

Jerry was in 5th grade, and almost 6-inches taller than his younger brother Gus. Although later they would look completely different, in those years people would sometimes yell out, "Look mom! Twins". They were obviously not twins, but they had several similarities that made people think this. For one, they both wore mad-scientist-like large frame glasses, which covered up almost the entire top half of their faces. Their unruly brown hair was cut the same style, and was the same length because their father believed himself a barber. He did do a good job, though, especially considering "barbering" was not his chosen career path. They carried around identical backpacks, and usually wore similar jeans.

Walking home that day after their English Tutoring Class, the desert seemed abandoned, except for a small group of kids who seemed to be play-wrestling in the sand. As Gus and Jerry got closer, however, they realized that the situation was more serious than they had thought. They observed four boys pushing and shoving and pulling the hair of two blonde haired girls. They appeared to be sisters, as one of them was much shorter, and the taller one seemed to be trying to protect her. Gus and Jerry had intended to just go around the group, but when they realized what was happening, they both stopped in mid-step and turned towards the group. One of the boys, apparently the leader of the group, grabbed the older sister and kicked her between the legs. She fell down on her knees and began sobbing loudly. Gus and Jerry looked at each other for a split second, and then began walking slowly towards the group. They were scared, no doubt about it. But the scene they had just witnessed was unacceptable. Perhaps they had watched one too many superhero movies, or perhaps they knew what it felt like to be bullied. Whatever the reason, they began to walk towards the group with the full intention of stopping the boys from hurting the girls any further.

The boy who had kicked the older sister finally caught sight of Gus and Jerry from the corner of his eye, and turned to them.

"What are YOU looking at?" He said accusingly. The other boys turned their heads towards Gus and Jerry in surprise.

Gus was not sure what to do at this point, and looked to his older brother for guidance. Jerry knew exactly what he had to do. Without hesitation, Jerry placed his backpack down, took off his glasses, and set them down on top of his backpack. Glasses were expensive and he didn't want them broken during a fight. Gus followed his brother's actions, and did the same. The bullies realized this was going to turn into a fight, and they began to get nervous, even though they outnumbered their opponents 4 to 2.

To this day, nobody knows who threw the first rock, but all of a sudden, the desert became the setting for a furious rock fight. This was obviously not to the advantage of the two brothers, because they couldn't see a thing without their glasses. They were starting to think that maybe taking off their glasses was not a good idea. But it was too late, they had to continue. They threw rocks blindly into the blurry shapes of the boys 30 yards away. A large rock landed in front of Gus, rolled and hit Gus on the ankle bone. Gus wanted to cry out in pain and hold his stinging ankle, but that would mean letting the other boys know that he had been hurt. So he swallowed his pain and furiously threw more rocks...larger rocks.

Gus and Jerry had no idea if any of their rocks were hitting their targets, but a few minutes later the boys began to retreat up a hill. This was a strategy move...because now they'd be throwing rocks from a higher vantage point. Gus and Jerry foolishly pursued them, and Gus, still furious from the rock that had hit his ankle, suddenly raced forward and up the hill. He felt rocks whizz by his ear...heard the "zzzzzipppp" as they grazed his skin. Miraculously he made it to the to the top without a mark. But at the top of the hill he realized his mistake...he was now facing four boys with handfuls of rocks...alone! However, as normal bullies go, they are brave only when they go unchallenged. Once challenged, they lose their nerve and run away with their tails between their legs. The boys could have easily overtaken Gus, but they turned on their heels and ran away without turning back.

"Victory!", the brothers thought.

Gus threw one final rock at their backs, and then blinked several times. He had sand in his eyes, and they hurt. He slowly walked down the hill to his brother. They were both shaking from the adrenaline that had been coursing through their bodies. Together they walked to their backpacks and glasses. They were now worried about something else. The girls were probably going to talk to them. Gus didn't know how to talk to girls...he always froze up and became a mute. Jerry wasn't any better. The girls met them at their backpacks. They were of similar age, and the younger one wore horn-rimmed glasses. The older sister smiled shyly and said, "Thank you." Jerry somehow managed to return a lopsided grin, which kind of scared the girls. Gus just stood there, wide eyed and staring, trying to blend in with the environment. After an awkward silence, the brothers picked up their things, and with their best old-western cowboy impressions, they nodded at the girls, and walked off into the sunset. The girls remained standing, staring at the backs of the brothers as they walked away. Then they turned and left, in another direction, never to see their silent rescuers ever again.

The rest of the walk home for Gus and Jerry went by in a flash. They were both walking on air, and discussing what they had just done. They had the feel of superheros and wanted a name for themselves. A few names were thrown around, until finally they decided on a name. That name has lived through Camacho family history, and the story will be told and retold for generations to come. There will never be another story as The Legend of the Justice Brothers.