Friends, Countrymen, Bloggers, Lend me your ears!!

June 11th, 2005

In my line of work (or future work), it is inevitable for me to occasionally come into contact with a secret society, whose name I will reveal at the end of this post. These guys are surrounded by a mystery so well-guarded, it almost makes you think they use some sort of black magic. In many occasions...and by "many" I mean twice...I have tried to gain membership into this esteemed secret society. But alas, any type of inquiry into the matter only brings scowls, mis-information, and hostility.

I experienced this at my own house, with the visit of a secret society member. He was very polite and very friendly the entire visit...until I asked him how I could learn their secret skill. Immediately his attitude changed from outgoing friendliness to unconceiled anger. He said, in harsher words, that there were only two ways: 1) Attend their secret society academy in NY..."the only one in the world", he said, and 2) be taken in as an apprentice by a seasoned member of the society (Does this remind anyone of Star Wars?). Then he went on to tell me that it would take even the most talented apprentice many many years to even learn the basics of the art. Most students don't even get through the program, and that I shouldn't even waste my time.

Well, screw that! Nobody tells me what I can or can't do! Only miserable failure tells me that. So I took matters into my own hand, and began doing the research (google). After much searching and reading, I found all the necessary information. All that was left was to put my plan into action. I bought the tools necessary from an underground source (who shall remain anonymous), and began practicing my new skill. Although telling you this information may result in hostility towards me, I shall risk my life and divulge exactly what you need for this skill. Here are the tools necessary:

1) A tuning hammer
2) A few tuning wedges
3) A chromatic tuner
4) A long cloth (not pictured)
5) A good ear - preferably with a person attached (not pictured)


The Secret Tools

So okay, you may have figured out by now which secret society I'm talking about. No, not the Priory of Sion. This society is even more secretly guarded than that. I'm talking about the secret world of...piano tuners...shhhhhhhhhhh!

I can't say that I've mastered the art yet. Once you get to a certain point it becomes easy. But the hard thing is tuning the first two octaves (you should start with the middle of the piano), because you have to tune it according to the tempered scale. Which means, every interval has to be tuned slightly out of tune...perfectly out of tune (if you want to know my method of doing this, just ask me...it's too long and boring to put it on here). Once you have that, then the going is easy, because you can just tune the octaves of the piano, up and down, up and down.

The pianos I've tuned so far have been acceptable, not great. But it's definitely not as difficult as those guys made it out to be. Of course, I know they're just protecting their job security. Due to the lack of piano tuners in this world, they've been living the life of luxury because they charge like demons for one visit. Obviously, the more piano tuners there are, the more competitive their prices have to be. They don't want that life to end. But still, refusing to divulge any information on the subject seems greedy and selfish and downright mean.

Therefore, piano tuners beware! I have put on my armor, raised my sword, and am ready to charge forward and fight this war, with no thought to consequences!

Gaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!